NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
smell my finger.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
