so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
