Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
