just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize