the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
