Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
