Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
