come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
