How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
