What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
