Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
