The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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