Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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