Please, let me fuck your mom
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
