she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
