so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
