Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
