shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
