fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
