the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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