Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
