Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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