his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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