i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize