I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
We got so high we made milksteak
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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