Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
