Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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