that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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