the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
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