Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Pants 0. Shit 1.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
