Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
