I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
