3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
