I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
