matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
splinters make it hard to masturbate
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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