have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
