Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize