she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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