I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
