That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
