literally had 100 drinks last night.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
