I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
