Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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