I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
