didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
