After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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