Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
