Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
