her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Best friends brother. Beat that.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
