Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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