Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
