there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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