Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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