I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder meâ€
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
