i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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