i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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