alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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