Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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