I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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