DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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