I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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