The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
