I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
