I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
