I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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